Have you ever noticed there are some conversations you just don’t want to have? You wish the whole thing would magically go away or suddenly fix itself.
When my eldest, Cody, was about 3 he enjoyed spending time with my retired dad. They called those days “Papaw Days.” Unfortunately, my dad was laying out Doritos, ice cream, and basically any snack food Cody requested. This went on for a while until my husband announced that I had better deal with it or Cody’s visits were going to end.
TBH, I would have rather chewed off my own foot than have to face my dad and deliver this ultimatum. As the moment approached, my heart was pounding and I’m pretty sure my tongue was swollen twice its size. I know I had the conversation and it seemed to go well but my memory is fuzzy – dissociation will do that.
I call these issues “Boomerangs.” They make us very uncomfortable and we want to pretend they don’t exist. So we fling them out like sticks into a field, hoping they will become lost in the overgrowth. However, later in the day as we’re making sandwiches, the thought intrudes, yet again, into our mind. No matter how many times we fling the intrusive thought away, it always comes back, like a boomerang.
When we have boomerang issues, our only healthy choices are to either truly let it go (virtually impossible) or have the conversation. When you’re practicing healthy boundaries, you understand other people can’t read your mind. I’ve always said, “Whoever holds the upset is the one who needs to speak.”
If you neither let the issue go nor have the conversation, you allow bitterness and resentment to build within you. This will continue until one day the pressure is too great. Something will happen; usually something innocuous, like the straw that broke the camel’s back. Then, all of your boomerang issues (possibly dating back years) will come ripping out as if catapulted from a Galting gun.
As you might imagine, this doesn’t end well. It destroys trust, as the one assaulted with the boomerangs will forevermore be wondering if you are actually being honest or stockpiling your boomerang issues for the next unpredictable ambush.
So what’s the answer?
- Realize you have a right to your thoughts, feelings, and actions (and a responsibility as well) even if someone else disagrees
- Recognize when you are upset about an interaction with someone and cannot seem to let it go (it keeps boomeranging back)
- Respectfully engage in conversation re your ONE boomerang issue, realizing you are only responsible for your own behavior. How they respond is not in your “yard” and although some emotional responses can be uncomfortable they are not YOUR emotions to manage.
